Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My nipple is on Facebook.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
