I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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