Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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