i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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