apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
