if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
