just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
