Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize