piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You are the jesus of drinking
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
