i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
