$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
