I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
