you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
