She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize