Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
