He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
