textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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