Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
