Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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