Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
