WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
