You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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