Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dignity is for republicans.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
