dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
