Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
