I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My feet surprised me
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