You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
