There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
