I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
