Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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