I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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