I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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