my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
