this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
