so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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