Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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