I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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