do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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