I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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