Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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