My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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