You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
