I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
