I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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