I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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