Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This baby is an asshole
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
