I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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