does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
