She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
