mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
