I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
