I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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