I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
