It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
