Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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