i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
