i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
